Foundational Friday: Forgive

We are to live forward and not in the past.  For all of you who have been hurt by someone in a previous relationship, do not let that person’s race, culture, or faith affect you from dating someone of the same in the future.  You know all humans make mistakes and everyone is capable of hurting someone’s feelings.  I grew to understand that the people we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most, so leave race and everything our of it.

Take the story of Kim and Al, an interracial couple; she being Asian and he is Caucasian. They were together for 4 years and had an awesome time together. They traveled a lot and got to know each others families.  They saw each other graduate from university and start their first career positions.  They broke up about 5 years ago because Kim got bored and decided that she wanted to see other people.  After that, Al decided he wasn’t going to date Asian girls anymore.  I suppose, he no longer trusted having a future with an Asian woman and feared being dumped again.  Al still has the same mentality and he is single.

Al needs to live and let go of the past.  When Kim moved on it had nothing to do with her race or culture.  In fact, the man she married two years ago is Caucasian, just like Al.

So what is the message here….

The Foundational message here is to forgive and let go. When you forgive you let go of all the negative energy that lives within yourself.  Al could be missing out on a lot of great opportunities to have a successful relationship with an Asian woman again or even any woman for that matter.  People are allowed to choose what is right for them.  Let it be.

Forgive yourself, forgive her, and allow yourself to live again.

 

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He cheated, so I won’t date that race again.

The bad situation you experienced with one race was an isolated situation.  Don’t let that story in the past move along with you into your future.

So you dated a black guy and he cheated on you. That does not mean that another black man is going to do the same thing.  Even if you find a statistic that suggests this to be true, I am asking you to put that aside. Every race, culture, and faith have people within them that will do something wrong. Why? Because we are all human.  No one is perfect.

So don’t miss out on a good thing because you are too busy stereotyping and living in the past.

-Akosua

 

We don’t go to church together. What should I do?

So you met your girlfriend three months ago and she told you that she likes to go to church.  I am sure she was hoping back then,  that you would like to go with her and if you have yet to go, she is still hoping that you will go with her.  You didn’t grow up going to church and really don’t know if you want to go.  So what are you going to do?

Neither of you should plan to change each other.  It is a good idea to ask and seek to understand what each of you believe.  She obviously believes in God.  Ask yourself what or who you believe in?  Visiting a church does not mean that you will suddenly become a Jesus worshipper.  It will mean that you are open to learning and there is nothing wrong with that.  When you open yourself up to learn, you are allowing yourself to become wiser and to make an informed decision of what is best for you.  Only you can figure out what is going on inside of you.  I know people who go to church and love going and meanwhile, everything they are learning is not being applied to their everyday life.

If you decide to go to church with your girlfriend, let it be because you are going to experience it for yourself.  Let yourself capture the spirit or not.  Don’t do it for her, do it for you.  Whatever comes out of it, will be yours and no one can argue that experience.

Being open is the first step to learning anything.  Now you decide for yourself.

-Akua

Foundational Friday

If you want to build a strong foundation with your mate, spend more time talking to each other.  Technology is robbing the quality time we spend with our loved ones. Let focus on your mate be your words to live by this weekend.

 

Love is Unconditional, Valentine’s Day or Not

So you live in the US and your new girlfriend is from India. Back home she doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, so the day has come and you decided there is no need to get her anything. WRONG!

Don’t you know that every store she has walked in to this week has bombarded her with heart shaped chocolates, pink and red decor, and her favorite M&Ms can now only be found in the pink package.  Do you really think she is not thinking about this day and wondering if you will think to give her something special?

Since it is not her tradition to celebrate this day, you are not expected to go all out. At least I don’t think so.  A simple gesture like flowers, candy, a card with a nice note from you or even a sweet message on a post-it note will make her smile.  Warm her heart for days to come with something thoughtful!  Showing appreciation and love is not conditional to this day only so do this as often as you want.

I am more laid back, so actually this day has come and my husband and I shared a heart shaped donut this morning.  We sometimes take trips for Valentine’s Day, but this year is definitely low key.  I am planning to send a love letter to his email today and we have dinner plans tomorrow, instead of today.  We would rather dine out on a day when everyone else isn’t.

You can try something out of the ordinary, go big or go small. Know your mate’s heart and understand what he or she will appreciate.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

What to do when your date tells you that he can never show you to his parents

I was on a second date with a guy from Iran and his family have lived in Dubai and just relocated to North America. We were getting along well and then suddenly he tells me that he would not be able to show me to his parents. I was thinking, well I don’t want to meet your family now anyway, I barely know you.  He went on to say that what he means is that even if we get closer and spend months  hanging out, he would not ever be able to introduce me to his family because I am not from his country.  I was appalled and at the same time I understood.  In this moment of feeling hurt and slightly offended, I remained confident and respectful.

I did not consider this to be racist. I understood this to be a family that wants to keep its culture. His parents want to see him with a woman that has the same cultural history, language, and views on life that they do.  So I processed this information, spoke kindly and the date was over fairly quickly.

A few days later, he called me to go out again and I declined. I politely told him that there was no point to see each other again because I was not looking to waste my time.  He had already given me the heads up that I would not be able to meet his parents. It would be different if he said that we would have difficulty in sharing our relationship with his family, but that is not what he told me. It was clear to me that I was not the girl to bring home to mom and dad.  When I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, he tried to explain why it would be okay and that he wanted to fix this.  The following day he called me again, to inform me that he spoke to his parents and they approved of him seeing me again. I have no idea what he explained to his parents and quite frankly I didn’t have strong feelings towards him anyway, so I was okay not ever seeing him again.  I was surprised that he went to his family to sort out this dilemma.

Looking back, he did the right thing.  It was his first time going out with a black woman and up to that point he never had to bring up interracial dating to his family. It was in his mind that they would not accept him dating outside of his race and culture.  He also learned that his parents were more open that he thought.

 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I advise you to understand what your date wants and how he or she wants to deal with it.  Learn something about each other in the process and then decide if the next move you want to take is worth it or not.

 

Foundational Friday

Use the weekend to be more adventurous. Could this be the time for you to try something new? If you are in a long term relationship, this still applies to you.

Every relationship has a structure, and it starts with the foundation. A strong foundation is built on ideals, principles and values that you both will live by. If you haven’t actually talked this though with each other, it is a must for healthy living. What you come up with will govern your behavior and the way you function as a couple.  So this Friday, do something in honor of that foundation you are building.  You can do something to honor your cultures or celebrate a win in your life.  Constantly feeding your souls will be an expression of you and it will help you both live a more fulfilling life together.

Are Black Men Disturbed When They See A Black Woman With A White Man?

This is a good question that often comes up in the black community.  Remembering back to my high school days when I dated a white guy and I felt a little uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure how others would perceive me. The thought of being called a “sell-out” was on my mind back then.  Although I grew up in a very white city, I still wondered if the few black people would shun an eye at me for dating outside of my race.

There was a time when an interracial relationship would draw up the picture of a black man and a white woman. That’s the only picture that came to mind and I think that was true for most people 20 years ago.  Now, we see all forms of races coming together for love. For some reason, it seems that when a black person is with another race, it still sparks some tension for some families.  If you are in a relationship that has no struggles, consider yourself extremely blessed.  I know I do.

Now let’s take a closer look at a black woman with a white man.  I reviewed ten opinions on this question, “Are black men disturbed when they see a black woman with a white man?” and I want to speak to what I learned.  Only two people had a problem with it, stating that the black woman is always more beautiful than the white guy. Seriously? What does that have to do with anything.  Another person felt that the black women are probably closer to being white supremacists.  Talk about ridiculous.

I’m happy to report that most people felt that people can date whomever they want and wherever they find love is good, no matter what the race is.

Do you know of someone that is disturbed by you dating outside of your race? Share your story here.

 

Interfaith Dating II

So I spoke to my sister today and she took me outside of my harmonious bubble and made me think again about my thoughts on interfaith dating.  No matter what anyone believes, it is happening. People are having interfaith relationships that lead to marriage and sometimes divorce.  It’s not always dandy.  I was reminded about reincarnation beliefs and the Hindi faith that worships multiple gods and the free-spirited people that pray out to the universe and more.  I have respect for all religions and all beliefs, however I must say that I believe that it would be very difficult for some of these faiths to come together in marriage.  That being said, I would like to hear from interfaith couples that are living well and even not so well, so that we can learn from your experience.