Foundational Friday: Be Calm and Carry On Applies to Interracial Dating Too

How many times have you seen Be Calm and Carry On or Be Calm and Drink Coffee written on a mug or a shirt.  This idiom works for interracial dating too. Be calm and date on.   Don’t spend even a second worried about what others think. Focus on you and your partner.  What works for you?  Be calm about your union, enjoy your union and love your union. Love your differences and always see the light in your relationship.

 

 

Foundational Friday: Speak Up

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Do not judge, or you too will be judged -Matthew 7:1

Yesterday on our Facebook page, I posted a video from the show What Would You Do. The clip featured a woman getting her hair done in an Atlanta hair shop.  She spoke about her boyfriend and when the hairstylist found out that the woman’s boyfriend is white she proceeded to judge and spew hateful comments about why this woman should not be dating a white man.  If you haven’t seen the clip check it out here.  In this clip, we discover how people surrounding the conversation respond to what are they were hearing.

When you find yourself in a similar situation, are you bold enough to speak up? Do you have a solid foundation to proudly speak your mind for what you think is right?  You all know where I stand with this issue.  I am pro-interracial dating and I would have to put this hairstylist in her place.  If anyone is judging you for your choices, stand strong and speak up.

Foundational Friday: Know Your Roots

This Friday check in on yourself.  Remember all the great times that you had growing up. If you have no fond memories, then it is probably better not to dig up the past.  I’m thinking about knowing my roots because I don’t want to get lost in completely consuming my husband’s culture and he doesn’t want that either. We always check in with each other to learn more about each other’s roots.  When we have children we will pass on good traditions and memories from our past and also create our own that are unique to our interracial and biracial family.  Honoring our roots helps to build a strong and confident foundation.

Step Inside Another Culture

I had a dream about inviting a stranger into my home.  I am trying to analyze it and figure out what it means.  The stranger in my dream was a homeless man that I often spoke to and became friendly with.  One fine day, he asked me the following question: “If we are really friends, why don’t you invite me to your home?”

This question has me thinking today.  Is there someone in my life that I need to get closer with and that includes inviting them to my home?  Is there someone in your life that you could get closer with?  So often, we spend time talking casually with people and we call them our friends, but we never invite them into our home.  I believe that when you are able to share your space with someone that is the time when the true friendship begins.

When people that you want to share your life with come into your home, they really get to know you. They see how you live and what is important to you.  Getting to know someone of a different culture is very much the same.  You have to step into the culture to truly experience it and understand it better.  When you are dating someone of another culture, it is not enough to say that you are open to dating people of another culture.  It is more to say that you connect and the only way to connect is by doing.  Attend important events, participate in activities, learn a bit of the language, and customs.

Some people worry that by immersing in the other person’s culture, you are separating from your own.  Do not let that be true.  Multiculturalism is multi for a reason.  Spend time celebrating your own culture and the other person’s too and whatever other cultures you fancy.

Most importantly have fun!

 

Foundational Friday: Forgive

We are to live forward and not in the past.  For all of you who have been hurt by someone in a previous relationship, do not let that person’s race, culture, or faith affect you from dating someone of the same in the future.  You know all humans make mistakes and everyone is capable of hurting someone’s feelings.  I grew to understand that the people we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most, so leave race and everything our of it.

Take the story of Kim and Al, an interracial couple; she being Asian and he is Caucasian. They were together for 4 years and had an awesome time together. They traveled a lot and got to know each others families.  They saw each other graduate from university and start their first career positions.  They broke up about 5 years ago because Kim got bored and decided that she wanted to see other people.  After that, Al decided he wasn’t going to date Asian girls anymore.  I suppose, he no longer trusted having a future with an Asian woman and feared being dumped again.  Al still has the same mentality and he is single.

Al needs to live and let go of the past.  When Kim moved on it had nothing to do with her race or culture.  In fact, the man she married two years ago is Caucasian, just like Al.

So what is the message here….

The Foundational message here is to forgive and let go. When you forgive you let go of all the negative energy that lives within yourself.  Al could be missing out on a lot of great opportunities to have a successful relationship with an Asian woman again or even any woman for that matter.  People are allowed to choose what is right for them.  Let it be.

Forgive yourself, forgive her, and allow yourself to live again.

 

He cheated, so I won’t date that race again.

The bad situation you experienced with one race was an isolated situation.  Don’t let that story in the past move along with you into your future.

So you dated a black guy and he cheated on you. That does not mean that another black man is going to do the same thing.  Even if you find a statistic that suggests this to be true, I am asking you to put that aside. Every race, culture, and faith have people within them that will do something wrong. Why? Because we are all human.  No one is perfect.

So don’t miss out on a good thing because you are too busy stereotyping and living in the past.

-Akosua

 

We don’t go to church together. What should I do?

So you met your girlfriend three months ago and she told you that she likes to go to church.  I am sure she was hoping back then,  that you would like to go with her and if you have yet to go, she is still hoping that you will go with her.  You didn’t grow up going to church and really don’t know if you want to go.  So what are you going to do?

Neither of you should plan to change each other.  It is a good idea to ask and seek to understand what each of you believe.  She obviously believes in God.  Ask yourself what or who you believe in?  Visiting a church does not mean that you will suddenly become a Jesus worshipper.  It will mean that you are open to learning and there is nothing wrong with that.  When you open yourself up to learn, you are allowing yourself to become wiser and to make an informed decision of what is best for you.  Only you can figure out what is going on inside of you.  I know people who go to church and love going and meanwhile, everything they are learning is not being applied to their everyday life.

If you decide to go to church with your girlfriend, let it be because you are going to experience it for yourself.  Let yourself capture the spirit or not.  Don’t do it for her, do it for you.  Whatever comes out of it, will be yours and no one can argue that experience.

Being open is the first step to learning anything.  Now you decide for yourself.

-Akua

Foundational Friday

If you want to build a strong foundation with your mate, spend more time talking to each other.  Technology is robbing the quality time we spend with our loved ones. Let focus on your mate be your words to live by this weekend.

 

Love is Unconditional, Valentine’s Day or Not

So you live in the US and your new girlfriend is from India. Back home she doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, so the day has come and you decided there is no need to get her anything. WRONG!

Don’t you know that every store she has walked in to this week has bombarded her with heart shaped chocolates, pink and red decor, and her favorite M&Ms can now only be found in the pink package.  Do you really think she is not thinking about this day and wondering if you will think to give her something special?

Since it is not her tradition to celebrate this day, you are not expected to go all out. At least I don’t think so.  A simple gesture like flowers, candy, a card with a nice note from you or even a sweet message on a post-it note will make her smile.  Warm her heart for days to come with something thoughtful!  Showing appreciation and love is not conditional to this day only so do this as often as you want.

I am more laid back, so actually this day has come and my husband and I shared a heart shaped donut this morning.  We sometimes take trips for Valentine’s Day, but this year is definitely low key.  I am planning to send a love letter to his email today and we have dinner plans tomorrow, instead of today.  We would rather dine out on a day when everyone else isn’t.

You can try something out of the ordinary, go big or go small. Know your mate’s heart and understand what he or she will appreciate.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

What to do when your date tells you that he can never show you to his parents

I was on a second date with a guy from Iran and his family have lived in Dubai and just relocated to North America. We were getting along well and then suddenly he tells me that he would not be able to show me to his parents. I was thinking, well I don’t want to meet your family now anyway, I barely know you.  He went on to say that what he means is that even if we get closer and spend months  hanging out, he would not ever be able to introduce me to his family because I am not from his country.  I was appalled and at the same time I understood.  In this moment of feeling hurt and slightly offended, I remained confident and respectful.

I did not consider this to be racist. I understood this to be a family that wants to keep its culture. His parents want to see him with a woman that has the same cultural history, language, and views on life that they do.  So I processed this information, spoke kindly and the date was over fairly quickly.

A few days later, he called me to go out again and I declined. I politely told him that there was no point to see each other again because I was not looking to waste my time.  He had already given me the heads up that I would not be able to meet his parents. It would be different if he said that we would have difficulty in sharing our relationship with his family, but that is not what he told me. It was clear to me that I was not the girl to bring home to mom and dad.  When I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, he tried to explain why it would be okay and that he wanted to fix this.  The following day he called me again, to inform me that he spoke to his parents and they approved of him seeing me again. I have no idea what he explained to his parents and quite frankly I didn’t have strong feelings towards him anyway, so I was okay not ever seeing him again.  I was surprised that he went to his family to sort out this dilemma.

Looking back, he did the right thing.  It was his first time going out with a black woman and up to that point he never had to bring up interracial dating to his family. It was in his mind that they would not accept him dating outside of his race and culture.  He also learned that his parents were more open that he thought.

 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I advise you to understand what your date wants and how he or she wants to deal with it.  Learn something about each other in the process and then decide if the next move you want to take is worth it or not.